The Colors I See
by PhoebeOtaku
Summary: Death or life. Mercy or Cruelty. Faultless or flawed. Angry or exultant. I am not god. I am not evil. I am not ‘perfect.’ I am not emotionless. I am Human… and so are my enemies. Soujiro Introspective oneshot.


Author: PhoebeOtaku

Title: The Colors I See

Disclaimer: Though I dream of owning some of the characters of Rurouni Kenshin (soujiro, aoishi, sanosuke…pauses to sigh) this, sadly, is reality and not my dreams. So I own nothing of the sort. And while I do own…tries to count….several Billy Joel CDs, I do not have any of the rights to the song 'Shades of Grey' which inspired this bit of madness.

Author's notes: the lyrics were just so …. Soujiro-esque that I had to do this.

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**Some things were perfectly clear, seen with the vision of youth**

I was the most evil thing that shishio makoto could create. There was just one flaw in me…

I wasn't evil.

I had become the perfect assassin. But despite the smile on my face, I never enjoyed killing. As paradoxical as is sounds, killing was just my way of life. "The strong survive, the weak die..."

To say that those words changed my life seems too much of an understatement when faced with the vast reality of it.

I had been weak, young, alone. My only defense had been my emotionless smile. Tears never alleviated the pain, emotions never brought solace. The fake smile did, it had the ability to unnerve and confuse. It was the only thing I kept from my childhood. I had killed my emotions, just as I had killed the family that tortured me. I was small, young, and weak; but they were weaker.

But …the first time that I felt the soon to be familiar sensation of guiding a blade through flesh, I wept. I wept, but the rain hid my tears, and I did what I had trained myself to do when facing pain...

I smiled.

**No doubts and nothing to fear, I claimed the corner on truth**

You could say that my smile saved my life. I had trained myself to smile through beatings, through the worst kind of abuse. Tears and begging only fueled their desire to hurt, smiles disgusted them. They couldn't get the same kind of pleasure from beating a boy who grinned. But, the smile that had so intrigued Shishio as he raised his weapon over me, ready to make the killing blow… That smile… It had been real.

Blinding happiness at the end of my horrible life.

He released me from that hell, though not through my own death.

He gave me a new answer, a new life. "The strong survive, the weak die…"

He also dragged me down into a new hell, but in this one I was a demon without emotion. Fear, doubt, happiness, love, all of them were nothing.

**These days it's harder to say I know what I'm fighting for**

I wasn't happy then, happiness was impossible without emotion. Being devoid of such frivolous things meant I wasn't unhappy either, I existed and I was content.

Shishio used me as a weapon. He pointed me in whatever direction he deemed necessary and I faithfully did his bidding. I didn't question anything. I had no reason to know. Their death by my hand was hardly an accident of fate. It was a reaffirmation of my strength, Shishio's strength, and my right to live.

Even without a conscience, emotionless logic brought me confusion.

**My faith is falling away.**

Sometimes the eyes of my victims haunted me. Never the ones who plead for mercy, contempt could have described my feelings for those weak souls…if I had had feelings. No, it was the few that looked at me with anger or resignation or, amazingly, pity in their last heartbeats.

**I'm not that sure anymore. **

Then there were those, like Himura, who were willing to give their lives to protect the weak. This blatant disregard for the way of the world, it sparked… something. To deny that I had a violent reaction to the idea would be a lie. To deny that something about it appealed to me would be to deny a part of myself.

The ignorant ones that lived their quiet lives so nosily in the streets were weak. But Himura, he was strong. I may have been stronger, I may still be stronger in body. I don't think many can claim to have his strength of will. Of purpose. Of life. I would not call him ignorant of the world. His soul is steeped in nearly as much blood as my own.

Shishio and Himura were both idealists. Many do not want to call Shishio-san such an optimistic sounding title. They had different ideals. Very different.

**Shades of grey wherever I go.**

Who was right and who was wrong? Not even Himura-san answered that question for me. By my old philosophy he, as victor, must be correct. But Himura's own beliefs did not match that path of thought.

**The more I find out the less that I know  
**

He told me I must find my own truth. He shattered my psyche, mind and soul, and left me alone to see if I could find any pieces left worth salvaging. I was angry, hurt, anxious, lost, and alone. I was freed from my self imposed cage of empty smiles but I could not help but lament the loss of stability, of that semblance of sanity.

**Black and white is how it should be  
**

I was alone as I pulled the fragile splinters of myself into some semblance of order, a new order. Neither voice fully controlling how I felt. For that was what they were during my journey, voices, an angel and a demon perched on my shoulders whispering conflicting rights and wrongs. Who played which role changed as often as an eye blink. But my own voice, a strange blend of the two, struggled and became stronger.

**But shades of grey are the colors I see**

Neither mentor would approve fully, I'm sure, but I think Kenshin Himura, by nature, would be more forgiving.

**Once there were trenches and walls and one point of every view  
**

The weak die…

**Fight 'til the other man falls - kill him before he kills you**

Protect the weak…

**These days the edges are blurred**

I've wandered. I've watched people living quiet lives that were beneath my recognition before. I'm weary. At times I feel the weight of years I have not lived, ancient before my youth is fully spent.

**I'm old and tired of war  
**

But I found I cannot abandon the sword. Combat, I could live without. But not the ability to fight. I cling to that as tightly as shishio-san held his weapon or Himura-san held the beliefs embodied in his reverse-blade sword. In anything else I cannot find surety. I can never have the stability of unwavering belief again.

**I hear the other man's words  
**

Perhaps I am still wrong, perhaps this is not truth, perhaps I should continue to search.

**I'm not that sure anymore**

Himura held all life sacred. Shishio none.

**Shades of grey are all that I find**

I cannot claim either. But now I can look beyond a battle, beyond a single action or single goal. I can see another human instead of a weakness. And I still make my fateful decision…

**When I look to the enemy line**

Death or life. Mercy or Cruelty. Faultless or flawed. Angry or exultant.

I am not god. I am not evil. I am not 'perfect.' I am not emotionless.

I am Human…and so are my enemies.

**Black and white was so easy for me**

It is frightening now, killing. Because I know. Because that is the one absolute I have found on my journey. We are all human. Regardless of belief or action. Weakness or strength.

**But shades of grey are the colors I see**

I have protected the weak. I have learned to care for those around me. I have learned the strength taken and received from love. I am still learning to feel and be guided by those emotions. And to understand and show them when necessary.

**Now with the wisdom of years, I try to reason things out  
**

I have had help. Through the worst moments of my life. In the forging fires of actions that forever changed me. I was not completely alone when I had to decide my own path to the truth. I am not alone now, though I never thought it possible to be so consumed with care for another. To understand so fully the desire, the need, to protect. Perhaps Himura-san and I are not so different after all.

**And the only people I fear are those who never have doubts**

I atone in my own way, learn, search for truth, and live. The search will never end, I'm sure. As the atonement will never end.

**  
Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they're for**

I live with Uncertainty.

**  
I won't be righteous again  
I'm not that sure anymore  
**

But I live.

**Shades of grey are all that I find  
When I look to the enemy line  
Ain't no rainbows shining on me  
Shades of grey are the colors I see**

**#$$#$&#$#!#!$#$$&(&**

End Notes: This is a long time coming, a very long time. I think I started this two years ago (and I realize it's very short for that amount of time) I abandoned it about a fourth of the way through and just … well… left it there. Recently I've been flooded with utterly random inspiration. (which means that my epics are left un-updated)


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